I can’t hold on much longer

September 30, 2010 at 1:15 pm (Uncategorized)

My stomach is in knots.

I hear a siren in the distance and the memories come rushing back causing my head to spin.  I couldn’t bear hearing a siren for weeks after.  I would close my ears and just cry.

I remember the night so clear as if it was yesterday.

I remember yelling at the ambulance drivers and the firemen and the police officers.   They all came rushing to your house, after I told them you were dead.  After I told them you killed yourself.  They all came rushing then just stopped because they knew.  But no one told me officially, although I knew as well.  Your body was hard, your expression was plain.  And I just yelled.  “At least pretend you are trying to save her” “No one officially told me she was dead, at least try to do something”.  I remember saying to the one cop “If someone is going to tell me, it better not be him (pointing to the first officer who arrived and treated me like I was a suspect in a murder).  It better not be him to tell me because he is a dick”.  I was mean.  I was a mess.   The whole neighborhood heard my sobs.   They wouldn’t let me come say goodbye.  They told me the ambulance was there for me not you.  Because I kept fainting, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying.  All the neighbors that knew our history came running up and tried to hold me.  Tried to hug me.  Tried to be there for me.  I was mean.  I was a mess.

I don’t remember the week after.   I was barely getting through.  I couldn’t even take care of my children.  I had to send them away. I couldn’t even tell them that their Grammy was gone.  They were home in bed and I had to send them to someone’s house that night because I couldn’t even walk without sobbing and struggling for breathe.  I didn’t tell them you were gone.  Dad called Mike and they told them together.  My babies lost their Grammy.

Kathy drove over immediately after finding out and just let me lay on the couch all curled up in the fetal position, sobbing.

Shelda came and greeted the people that delivered the fruit baskets, the food, the love.  She too let me lay there and sob.

Dave came up from Florida to just sit with me. And let me sob.

The love poured in.  The support was there.  But I shut it out.

And I feel like I am doing it again.

I am a mess.  I am sitting here crying at work, have been for two days.  I keep hearing “its understandable” “you’ll be ok” “you’ll get through”.  I know I will, I already did.  And I want to get through again.  I want to get through without pushing people away.  I want to be able to call a friend crying my eyes out and not worrying about whether I am bothering them or not.  I want to be strong enough to ask for help….but Im not.  I am losing my grip.  And the date is still so far away.

I can’t hold on much longer.

“Feeling so lost and all alone
I want to bury all the memories
Leave no trace that you ever existed

Maybe then I could sleep at night
Maybe then my eyes will be free…
From all the tears

Don’t want to have to drag this pain with me
Everywhere I go …
I want to be normal again

The scar is too deep
And the emptiness makes me cold
I to feel like I have gone…

Into another world

A world where happiness
Is an obstacle
Laughter a challenge
And complete is almost impossible…”

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30 Days

September 20, 2010 at 4:38 pm (Uncategorized)

30 days. In 30 days, it will have been a year since you took your life. In 30 days, I am not sure how I am going to not think about that day. It still haunts me at times. The night that I found you. The night that I yelled at the rescue workers. The night that the detective made me feel like I killed you….even though I kept screaming that you killed yourself.

30 days. Will I be able to be strong with for the kids? Will I be able to hold myself together enough to hold my babies?

30 days.

In 30 days, I will be in NJ surrounded by love.

30 days.

I can do it.

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In Memory of Tara Tay Taylor

September 17, 2010 at 1:57 pm (Uncategorized)

You better take care of her.

Im mad at you right now, so I can’t even say please.

Emma is so distraught over losing you, it kills me.

The kids want necklaces to put your ashes in and I can’t even afford them.  They want to get them engraved.  They picked them out.  The two of them were sitting in front of the computer together deciding what to get.  “Let’s engrave it with “We miss you Grammy- (next line) 1955-2009- (next line) We miss and love you.””  Every day they ask me when they will get them, I have to tell them I can’t afford them now, its not in the budget, maybe for Christmas….

Rudy called me today.  At work.  He never calls me at work.  Hysterical.  Tara Tay had to be put down.  “Kristina, what am I going to do when I walk in the house and she isn’t there”, “what am I going to do on the weekend when she doesn’t greet me at the door”.  I know the pain.

I can’t tell him the answers because I have my own questions.  “Why did you leave me knowing I needed you”  “Why did you leave my babies, knowing they needed you” “How can you look down and watch when Emma cries and then the school calls me and my heart breaks and rolls down into my stomach then turns and makes me sick then when I get home and I hug my baby and she is ok, and Im not and have no one to turn to”.  “How can you be ok with taking your life over something stupid”.

I have to admit Im torn.  I want to be in NJ on Oct. 20, with my family but on the other hand, I don’t.  They weren’t there for me when I went through taking care of you, when I emailed them and asked for help and got nasty comments made about me and my babies.

Im going through some many emotions again, and I know why.

I can recall the night.  The whole night from the minute I answered the phone to the minute that I had to take responsibilty for myself.  I was a mess.

I am a mess.

And today, I blame you.

Today, I am very mad at you.

Today, I miss you more than you will ever know.

I had to tell my baby, the baby that I can’t be strong for because I have all of these emotions of love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever over her biggest loss, that another family has died.

And I had to do it alone.  Again.

You better take care of her better then you did your grandkids.  You better take care of her because she loved you and you loved her.  You better take care of her becaue you know how much Emma loved her.  You better take care of her because you Emma is worried you won’t.  Emma is worried that Tara Tay can’t wake you up like she couldnt.  You better do better.

You better take care of Tara Tay….for Emma.

RIP little doggie.  We love you.

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