I can’t hold on much longer

September 30, 2010 at 1:15 pm (Uncategorized)

My stomach is in knots.

I hear a siren in the distance and the memories come rushing back causing my head to spin.  I couldn’t bear hearing a siren for weeks after.  I would close my ears and just cry.

I remember the night so clear as if it was yesterday.

I remember yelling at the ambulance drivers and the firemen and the police officers.   They all came rushing to your house, after I told them you were dead.  After I told them you killed yourself.  They all came rushing then just stopped because they knew.  But no one told me officially, although I knew as well.  Your body was hard, your expression was plain.  And I just yelled.  “At least pretend you are trying to save her” “No one officially told me she was dead, at least try to do something”.  I remember saying to the one cop “If someone is going to tell me, it better not be him (pointing to the first officer who arrived and treated me like I was a suspect in a murder).  It better not be him to tell me because he is a dick”.  I was mean.  I was a mess.   The whole neighborhood heard my sobs.   They wouldn’t let me come say goodbye.  They told me the ambulance was there for me not you.  Because I kept fainting, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying.  All the neighbors that knew our history came running up and tried to hold me.  Tried to hug me.  Tried to be there for me.  I was mean.  I was a mess.

I don’t remember the week after.   I was barely getting through.  I couldn’t even take care of my children.  I had to send them away. I couldn’t even tell them that their Grammy was gone.  They were home in bed and I had to send them to someone’s house that night because I couldn’t even walk without sobbing and struggling for breathe.  I didn’t tell them you were gone.  Dad called Mike and they told them together.  My babies lost their Grammy.

Kathy drove over immediately after finding out and just let me lay on the couch all curled up in the fetal position, sobbing.

Shelda came and greeted the people that delivered the fruit baskets, the food, the love.  She too let me lay there and sob.

Dave came up from Florida to just sit with me. And let me sob.

The love poured in.  The support was there.  But I shut it out.

And I feel like I am doing it again.

I am a mess.  I am sitting here crying at work, have been for two days.  I keep hearing “its understandable” “you’ll be ok” “you’ll get through”.  I know I will, I already did.  And I want to get through again.  I want to get through without pushing people away.  I want to be able to call a friend crying my eyes out and not worrying about whether I am bothering them or not.  I want to be strong enough to ask for help….but Im not.  I am losing my grip.  And the date is still so far away.

I can’t hold on much longer.

“Feeling so lost and all alone
I want to bury all the memories
Leave no trace that you ever existed

Maybe then I could sleep at night
Maybe then my eyes will be free…
From all the tears

Don’t want to have to drag this pain with me
Everywhere I go …
I want to be normal again

The scar is too deep
And the emptiness makes me cold
I to feel like I have gone…

Into another world

A world where happiness
Is an obstacle
Laughter a challenge
And complete is almost impossible…”

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