Cooper

March 19, 2010 at 1:45 pm (Uncategorized)

Mom,

Last night I got an email from Rudy’s cousin, T-Ray telling me that he couldn’t get a hold of Rudy and that Cooper was in the hospital and I needed to try to get a hold of him. I immediately went to my phone to call you to see if you can run over there then remembered you weren’t there. So I woke Sean up and told him I had to run over to Rudy’s because for me to get an email about Cooper it must be serious.

Rudy called Coop’s sister and she told him that he had a stroke on Sunday and that he was on a ventilator and “it doesn’t look good”. They decided to take him off the ventilator yesterday and Coop is still breathing, but he has no brain activity. He is in a sense already dead.

This hurts, I wanted to call you again to tell you that Coop wasn’t going to make it. I wanted to go over and hug you after I hugged Rudy. I wanted to cry.

I called Rudy this morning and he still hasn’t heard anything. He will call me as soon as he does.

I am struggling today. Mixed emotions. I’m about to lose another loved one and you aren’t around to be here for me.

And I can’t recall how many times I have said that last part of the sentence, even when you were here.

Today, I am mad at you.

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STRENGTH

March 5, 2010 at 2:24 pm (Uncategorized)

I don’t always have to be strong to be strong.

Sometimes my strength is expressed in being vulnerable.

Sometimes I need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

I have days when I cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, and cannot be strong.

There are days when I cannot focus on being responsible.

Occasionally, I don’t want to get out of my pajamas.

Sometimes I cry in front of people.

I expose my tiredness, irritability or anger.

Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of me means I give myself permission to “fall apart” when I need to.

I do not need to be the perpetual towers of strength. I AM strong.

I have proven that.

My strength will continue if I allow myself the courage to feel scared, weak and vulnerable when I need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not feel guilty or punish myself when I need to “fall apart”.

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Tuesday

March 3, 2010 at 12:27 am (Uncategorized)

Hey Mom,

Today Emma asked about you.  She does that often.  I try to stay positive when answering as its breaking my heart.  She always talks about what you two did together or what you have taught her.

Im mad you took that away from my kids.  Im mad you left them.

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Monday

March 1, 2010 at 1:47 pm (Uncategorized)

Dear Mom,

Today is Monday.  I normally would call you on the way to work to see how you were doing.  I would usually end up waking you up.

I did this weekend what I was always mad at you for doing.  I laid in bed.  I slept off and on.  I ignored the world, well except for Chippy and Daisy.  You never got to meet Daisy.  She is Emma’s birthday present.  Biggest pain in the ass cat ever, but cute as hell.  Anyway…I finally drug myself out of bed and went to the store.  Then came right back home.

I thought of you as I laid in bed and ignored the world.  I wondered if anyone was mad at me like I always got mad at you.  I didn’t care though.  Your death has taken a toll on me and I have lost myself.  Im no longer happy.  I am no longer fun.  I don’t care about a lot things.  The kids are really the only reason I get up these days.

I have gone to the doctor.  Of course she put me on anti-depressants, because yeah, I’m depressed.  But Im also mad and unhappy.  And I blame you.

I don’t want to blame you.

I miss you.

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