In Memory of Tara Tay Taylor

September 17, 2010 at 1:57 pm (Uncategorized)

You better take care of her.

Im mad at you right now, so I can’t even say please.

Emma is so distraught over losing you, it kills me.

The kids want necklaces to put your ashes in and I can’t even afford them.  They want to get them engraved.  They picked them out.  The two of them were sitting in front of the computer together deciding what to get.  “Let’s engrave it with “We miss you Grammy- (next line) 1955-2009- (next line) We miss and love you.””  Every day they ask me when they will get them, I have to tell them I can’t afford them now, its not in the budget, maybe for Christmas….

Rudy called me today.  At work.  He never calls me at work.  Hysterical.  Tara Tay had to be put down.  “Kristina, what am I going to do when I walk in the house and she isn’t there”, “what am I going to do on the weekend when she doesn’t greet me at the door”.  I know the pain.

I can’t tell him the answers because I have my own questions.  “Why did you leave me knowing I needed you”  “Why did you leave my babies, knowing they needed you” “How can you look down and watch when Emma cries and then the school calls me and my heart breaks and rolls down into my stomach then turns and makes me sick then when I get home and I hug my baby and she is ok, and Im not and have no one to turn to”.  “How can you be ok with taking your life over something stupid”.

I have to admit Im torn.  I want to be in NJ on Oct. 20, with my family but on the other hand, I don’t.  They weren’t there for me when I went through taking care of you, when I emailed them and asked for help and got nasty comments made about me and my babies.

Im going through some many emotions again, and I know why.

I can recall the night.  The whole night from the minute I answered the phone to the minute that I had to take responsibilty for myself.  I was a mess.

I am a mess.

And today, I blame you.

Today, I am very mad at you.

Today, I miss you more than you will ever know.

I had to tell my baby, the baby that I can’t be strong for because I have all of these emotions of love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, whatever over her biggest loss, that another family has died.

And I had to do it alone.  Again.

You better take care of her better then you did your grandkids.  You better take care of her because she loved you and you loved her.  You better take care of her becaue you know how much Emma loved her.  You better take care of her because you Emma is worried you won’t.  Emma is worried that Tara Tay can’t wake you up like she couldnt.  You better do better.

You better take care of Tara Tay….for Emma.

RIP little doggie.  We love you.

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