Where do I go from here

May 30, 2010 at 5:45 am (Uncategorized)

I have never been so lost in my life.

Mom, today, Im not mad at you. I am hurt by my “family”

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Mother’s Day

May 10, 2010 at 3:09 pm (Uncategorized)

I thought that I would have a hard day. As much as I cried at the drop of a hat the whole weekend, it ended up being easier than I thought.

Saturday I woke up crying all morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything but be able to come down to your house and give you a hug. Instead, I packed an outfit (literally that is all I brought). I packed the dog up. I put lots of food and water out for Daisy and I drove to Alabama.

I cried the whole way. Off and on, but most of the trip. I didn’t want to be alone. The past few weeks have definitely worried me. I was worried about myself. I was (and still am but feeling much better) overwhelmed with life and death. I didn’t know which way was up and which way was down. I cried every night while trying to be strong for the kids. I cried every day while trying to be strong at work. I wanted to reach out to people but I didn’t know where to turn.

I got to Alabama and it was like a whole cloud was lifted off me. I laughed like I haven’t laughed in a long time. I silently cried, but the tears were the realization that I needed to be there. I enjoyed my weekend. The weekend I thought I was going to lay in bed the whole time. I needed to be where I was.

I missed you. I didn’t even wish you a Happy Mother’s Day like I wanted to because I wanted to wait for the kids. We will let the balloons go tonite after we write on them. But yesterday, I made it about me. I did everything I did for me.

Happy Mother’s Day mom! I miss you more each day and love you.

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It’s been awhile….

May 4, 2010 at 3:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Mom,

It’s been awhile since I sat down here to talk to you.  My computer is broke at home, but I am also dealing with some emotions.  There are days where I am really mad at you.  There are days that I am really sad for you.  There are days that I need you really bad.

I just had a friend pass away.  He was young but drank too  much and his body couldn’t handle anymore.  I went to the “Irish Wake” for him on Saturday and it brought a bunch of emotions out.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle it or not.

Today, I had a breakdown.  I cried.  I cried because I’m tired.  I cried because I don’t like my job.  I cried because I am the only constant in my childrens lives.  I cried because their father is an ass.  I cried because I have the world on my shoulders and its getting very heavy.  I cried because people think I should be doing things differently then I am.

Most of all, I cried because you left me alone and now I can’t handle my life like I used to.

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