Kindergarten

August 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm (Uncategorized)

Hey there,

My baby….our baby….starts kindergarten on Monday.  Today we get to meet her teacher.  She is SOOOO excited.

She misses you a lot.  A WHOLE LOT.  She has nightmares, she talks about you all the time, she wants you here.  We all do.

I try to be strong for her, I try to hold her and comfort her.  I try to let her talk to me about you and I try to be strong.  But the whole time she is suffering, I suffer with her.  I want to take the pain away, I want to hold onto it so she doesn’t have to.

We are getting necklaces to put your ashes in so she will always be with you, and you will always be in our hearts.

I miss you terribly.  I miss you more than you will ever know.

Today is not a good day.

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The Silver Lining

August 3, 2010 at 1:14 pm (Uncategorized)

Hey there mom…

The days get harder then they get easier, then wham, Im robbed and my laptop stolen. The one that had my pictures of you. The pictures of when we went to “Heaven on a Hill” as Emma calls it and spread your ashes with Granny and Grandad. They are gone. I feel as if you were taken away from me again, except this time it wasn’t your fault.

Dad just came to visit. It was weird hearing him say “no Im a widower” when asked if he was married. Technically he is a widower but hell, you haven’t been “married” for 17 years. Just weird.

I went to see Steve Miller Band/Peter Frampton on Friday night. Normally I would have asked you and Rudy to go, especially because it was his birthday. But..not only are you gone, I haven’t talked to him much since he moved. Yup, he left me too.

Took Dad to the train station and it was the hardest yet. I didn’t want him to go. But I am glad he saw what I went through, what I go through. I miss him though. Plus the kids and I aren’t sleeping well…me more then them (not sleeping) since he has been gone. I sleep with a bat. That’s crazy.

Anyway, just wanted to check in. I miss you and actually picked up the phone yesterday to call you to tell you I got a raise, finally. But, you aren’t around.

I love you.

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New Car

July 12, 2010 at 2:29 pm (Uncategorized)

Hey Mama,

Well, I did it for the first time myself.  I bought a car.  I went to 7 different places to look for one and finally went to the last one, tired as hell, miserable as hell and just told them what I wanted and found the perfect car!!!!  I LOVE IT!  I wish you were here to see it.

Your car has been nothing but problems for me.  The roof leaks, the gasket blew, the brakes squeal….so Im guess everything happens for a reason.  The real kicker with your car is Emma had a hard time being in it.  She kept thinking of you and getting upset.  So it all worked out in the long wrong.

I miss you.  I think about you often and wish you were here with me.  Its been a rough couple weeks for me but I am staying strong.

I have been drinking too much.  I hate being alone.  But I am getting better.  At least for now.

I love you.

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They keep saying it will get better

July 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm (Uncategorized)

I keep saying when??

Your car that I inherited blew a gasket. My oven broke. My phone is not working correctly. I had to call the cops on Mike.

My life is hell right now. I blame you today.

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I guess time does heal all wounds

July 1, 2010 at 1:45 pm (Uncategorized)

Hey mom,

Its been awhile since I have sat down to write you.  I guess it could be because I spent a few hours sitting with you and reading the weekend of Father’s Day.  It was nice to be able to talk to you and granny and grandad….of course until the cemetery landscape people came around.  I took a before and after picture of your resting place…before because it looked like no one cared for it in some time.  After because I left you for a little bit and came back with flowers.   Definitely looks better.

I brought you home with me too.  The airport didn’t give me any trouble carrying you on the plane.  Although one guy at the bar I ate at asked me if it was cake in the box.  Imagine the surprise when I told him what it was 🙂

Just wanted to check in, still have good days and bad, but things are getting better.

I miss you.

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I need you now….

June 8, 2010 at 6:07 pm (Uncategorized)

I have never needed you as much as I do today.

I am sitting here getting slammed by Mike.

I am vulnerable, and allowing him to tear away more pieces of my heart.

Why?

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Where do I go from here

May 30, 2010 at 5:45 am (Uncategorized)

I have never been so lost in my life.

Mom, today, Im not mad at you. I am hurt by my “family”

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Mother’s Day

May 10, 2010 at 3:09 pm (Uncategorized)

I thought that I would have a hard day. As much as I cried at the drop of a hat the whole weekend, it ended up being easier than I thought.

Saturday I woke up crying all morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything but be able to come down to your house and give you a hug. Instead, I packed an outfit (literally that is all I brought). I packed the dog up. I put lots of food and water out for Daisy and I drove to Alabama.

I cried the whole way. Off and on, but most of the trip. I didn’t want to be alone. The past few weeks have definitely worried me. I was worried about myself. I was (and still am but feeling much better) overwhelmed with life and death. I didn’t know which way was up and which way was down. I cried every night while trying to be strong for the kids. I cried every day while trying to be strong at work. I wanted to reach out to people but I didn’t know where to turn.

I got to Alabama and it was like a whole cloud was lifted off me. I laughed like I haven’t laughed in a long time. I silently cried, but the tears were the realization that I needed to be there. I enjoyed my weekend. The weekend I thought I was going to lay in bed the whole time. I needed to be where I was.

I missed you. I didn’t even wish you a Happy Mother’s Day like I wanted to because I wanted to wait for the kids. We will let the balloons go tonite after we write on them. But yesterday, I made it about me. I did everything I did for me.

Happy Mother’s Day mom! I miss you more each day and love you.

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It’s been awhile….

May 4, 2010 at 3:28 pm (Uncategorized)

Mom,

It’s been awhile since I sat down here to talk to you.  My computer is broke at home, but I am also dealing with some emotions.  There are days where I am really mad at you.  There are days that I am really sad for you.  There are days that I need you really bad.

I just had a friend pass away.  He was young but drank too  much and his body couldn’t handle anymore.  I went to the “Irish Wake” for him on Saturday and it brought a bunch of emotions out.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle it or not.

Today, I had a breakdown.  I cried.  I cried because I’m tired.  I cried because I don’t like my job.  I cried because I am the only constant in my childrens lives.  I cried because their father is an ass.  I cried because I have the world on my shoulders and its getting very heavy.  I cried because people think I should be doing things differently then I am.

Most of all, I cried because you left me alone and now I can’t handle my life like I used to.

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This weekend

April 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm (Uncategorized)

Mom,

This weekend was the first weekend that I have had since October that was good. I smiled the entire weekend. Kathy came over from AL and we just had a ball.

I cut the front lawn on Easter and did the back when I got home from work on Monday. I enjoyed listening to my Ipod and being outside. I have poison ivy now though and you know I am allergic to it. Normally I would have called you in a panic, but I am ok.

I really am ok.

I miss you and I love you.

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